To whom it may concern;
I probably have a better chance of winning a million dollars in the lottery than you stumbling across this letter. But lately it’s been hard to get you out of my head so I thought this might help.
Let me start by admitting that this is my nth attempt of saying goodbye to our memories and to everything that we were. Hopefully, this will be the very last. I’m glad that we are now far away from each other because I still don’t think I’d be able to hold myself together around you.
You were not the first boy I ever loved, but if I were to combine the love I felt for the ones before you, not that I had many, it still wouldn’t add up to what I felt for you. And I can’t add in the love I’ve had for anyone after you because so far, there hasn’t been anyone since you. And believe me when I say I’ve been trying to give chances to those who are willing and brave enough to conquer my storms.
I hope life has been good to you since we last saw each other, and I really mean that. You’ve always deserved happiness and I hope it’s finally found you. Maybe you’ve even found someone who gives you all the things I couldn’t, even though that thought causes me a little pain, I know it’s pretty likely to be true. That’s just what happens. Wherever you are I just hope you’re enjoying it like you should.
Do you still remember how we started? I will never forget how deeply I fell in love with those eyes. Your eyes. We didn’t even mean to fall for each other but I’m glad we did. Time spent with you was some of my favorite time spent. Spending all those nights and days with you by my side, or me, in my happy place. I will cherish every waking moment, drunken moment, fiery moments, intimate moments, and every moment I had with you. Those endless nights, endless fights, endless kisses and touch, endless chit-chats, endless daydreams of what our lives would have been if only we’re not caught up in such situation, and your endless attempts of making me laugh every minute we were together. And my love, for the record, you brought out the happiest version of myself. Those will haunt me forever. In the morning, at night, or at midnight. Or even in the wee hours or early mornings when I’m standing in the kitchen trying to make my own coffee and the smell of it makes me miss every inch of you so much I don’t know what to do with my hands wondering how beautiful our lives could have been if we were granted a chance of a normal life. With you. With me. And with Maria.
I’m sorry for how things ended, I’m sorry for the way I handled you leaving. Not a day goes by I don’t wish I could go back and redo all those days where the sun rises as if it rises for us, and us alone.
But I can’t, we can’t. And it took me a long time to come to terms with that. I can’t change what happened, all I can do is keep moving forward and make myself better so it doesn’t happen again.
It also took me some time to realize that I’ll never be 100 percent over you and that’s okay, too. Some people enter your heart and stay there, no matter how hard you try to get them out. There are people all over the world who knows what I’m talking about when I say that, at least I’m not alone in that feeling.
I thought I knew what love was before I met you, but loving you was unlike loving anyone else. It was so natural I felt like I had been doing it all my life, like you really were a missing piece of my soul. Loving you was happy and easy and it just all around felt right. After you came into my world I never imagined it without you. I didn’t want to.
When you finally made up your mind and left me, I felt like my world was falling down on top of me, shattering at my feet and coming to a screeching halt. You were my absolute favorite person in the world and you still decided to leave. I know now that it wasn’t anything you could help. A heart wants what it wants, and for whatever reason yours didn’t want me anymore. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand and accept that.
You were such a big part of my life and I wish I could have been more graceful in letting go, maybe things would be different for us than they are now. You leaving showed me a side of myself I never hope to see again and I have been working toward that ever since. The absence of you in my life has forced me to grow stronger and better myself, even when I didn’t want to.
And it amazes me. When I think about you, I think of all the pain you caused, and I want to hate you for it. Then, once I see you, all I want is for you to hold me in your arms. To call me yours again and pretend everything was like it used to be. Although I can’t let that happen because together we are damaged goods. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know you wish you could’ve taken back all the pain you caused and have apologized for it. I have forgiven and thanked you for letting me go. Thank you for loving me from what love you had left in your cold heart. I wish you the best in life and to change for the better. I still love you and always will, but it’s best for me to move on. Although I know deep in my heart that no matter how hard I try, I will never forget you.
The girl who will always write